CHA'ALT: FOOD RUN, PART 3

 Session #3. Thursday, May 15th, 2025.

Found the monster and NPC tokens! 👍🏻 I continued to use the hastily drawn map I cooked up for Venger Con. Future adventures may see a return to traditional "theatre of the mind" battles, or we'll break out the dry erase map or graph paper. Whatever works.

We had a new player join the game, one of our regular players and a good friend, Jon B. Jon made up human thief Jarrko Lehto, a white-haired assassin attired in black. His Noteworthy Thing was that he was a member of "The Dark Brotherhood," a six-member cadre of assassins. He also took the 3rd level feat "Guild Training" from Cha'alt Ascended (now included in Advanced Crimson Dragon Slayer) that allows him to instantly kill an unsuspecting target who fails a save. His purpose for being at the Cosmic Feasteria was later determined by Jon to be a contract to kill the restaurant owner.

When last we left off, Thundard the reptilian warrior had felt sick after eating the food he put Ber Ningpu's hot sauce on. He had gone to the men's restroom and upchucked purplish slime, which did not go down the sink and had simply melted into it. He had then heard a peculiar, metallic noise.

Thundard successfully noticed that a urinal had detached from the wall (leaving the wall intact) and was coming toward him with a shark maw ready to bite. At the same time, Jarrko, who had been in a stall pre-poop, was luckily not caught off guard by the commode that now wanted to ingest him. A battle ensued.

Meanwhile, in the dining hall area, Tazmon Zule and his three muffin-hat-wearing "Onion" NPC flunkies were feeling some indigestion and stomach cramps. Midi (a.k.a. Peanut) was faring the worst, holding his stomach and moaning. He had ordered the extra large, strawberry Cosmic Shake.

The annoying little fat kid had wandered over to the stage and was clapping with glee as the Desert Lizard--Bear Ja'ambori sprang into garish, animatronic life. The music the three robotic creatures mimicked performing drowned out the sound of the restroom rumble going on elsewhere. The creatures suddenly began to change form, resembling their reptile-ursine counterparts. One of them swiped at the boy with its huge claws, cutting him in half and sending the separate pieces flying. Tazmon ducked as his entourage was covered in gore. Two of the creatures moved to attack Tazmon, while another moved toward the boy's screaming parents.

The two Federation soldiers stood with their jaws hanging open. They then decided to high-tail it out of there, but not before one got a crit (Natural 20) with his blaster. Then they were out the door (although in hindsight, I meant for them to be trapped inside.)

I used the Crimson Escalation rule and kept it going, syncing both battles. I let the d20 continue to count down for the rest of the session.

Tazmon tried to fight, but was swiftly devoured by one of the Lizard-Bears that distended its jaws. He then found himself in a kaleidoscopic vista, with multi-colored lava lamp globules forming all sorts of shapes, from pianos to buildings to door-to-door solar panel salesmen. Hector rolled a Natural 20 to make a saving throw vs. mind-shattering, metaphysical insanity, so I also said as a priest and follower of Chaos, Tazmon was granted some insight about what was going on. Perhaps he was able to commune with Izzard, his god.

Tazmon had a vision of "Al" (Lezrak, the restaurant owner) as a man wandering through the desert, starving and dehydrated. He came upon old ruins unearthed by a recent sandstorm. He took shelter there. Although he found no food or water within, he saw an elaborate Babylonian-style mitre helmet resting on a stone slab. It whispered to him in his mind, beseeching him to don it. He did so, and felt instantly nourished, whole and powerful, now mystically empowered by an Old One that had been banished from Cha'alt long ago by others of its kind.

Every kid played with toxic chemicals back in the day..

https://youtu.be/Y7-sihuHuG8?si=5mjZjBi4-CKrqRcC

Tazmon saw Lezrak, creating a massive structure that rose up out of the sand. It came to resemble a restaurant, but in truth, it was a temple, consecrated to The Great Outermind, Muftwa'abugicus. It had been created using the living essence of this entity trapped in a pocket of the Outer Realm, able to leak into our plane of existence using Levrak as the conduit.

Back in Bathroom Land, Jarrko and Thundard continued to battle the porcelain beasts. Thundard slipped once on a patch of urine (a Natural 1,) but recovered. Divine Favor was spent. Eventually they decided to coordinate their efforts. Thundard assisted in distracting the toilet terror whike Jarrko backstabbed and critted. (I ruled that the "no discernible anatomy" thing from D&D didn't apply in Cha'alt, and backstabs were just finding a weak point or opportune moment to strike.)

Thundard noticed that the urinal was not simply moving toward him, but somehow "swimming" through the floor as if it was seamlessly connected to it.

Jarrko was wounded and infected by a creature at one point. Both Jarrko and Thundard also noticed that wounds inflicted on the creatures didn't chip away at porcelain, but left wounds that dripped multi-colored blood as they began to heal quickly.

Jarrko was allowed to use a Lavender Moon Die at one point to attempt a daring move, but it ended up netting him a debt to some demonic entity yet to be revealed. He did get a crit on a backstab, making us wonder if it should be x 4 damage or simply 2d6 x 3. I went with the latter. There were also utterances of "By his loathsome tentacle" by each player at some point to grant a much-needed +1.

Thundard had used the Grace Under Pressure feat to auto hit, but was swallowed at one point. Jarrko was given the option of saving Thundard or attacking the creature while it gorged itself. He chose to attack. I think I allowed Jon to use another Lavender Die for Jarrko, which worked this time. Jarrko smashed the urinal and Thundard was pooped out, covered in rainbow afterbirth. While briefly in the Outer Realm, Thundard had seen Tazmon standing there looking pensive and tried to call out, even as he was sucked back to Cha'alt. Tazmon only heard a brief, muffled shout, like someone yelling while passing in a car.

Thundard had made his save to avoid madness while in the Outer Realm, but upon his return, began screaming, "BALLS!! BALLS!!" for approximately thirteen rounds.

The urinal and commode were defeated. Thundard later took some of the stim pills that Ma’alenissa Sattori had given him for a quick pick-me-up that healed some of his wounds. Thundard made use of his reptilian ability to eat an enemy's heart to grant him one of its abilities. These creatures had no hearts per se, but I allowed Thundard to snatch up a blob of the urinal that was now melting into viscous, rainbow-hued slop and seeping into the floor. I cautioned that it might have negative side effects. Mark also played the Gonzo X Card as Thundard chowed down, becoming Crazy Tom BananaPants. His eyes swam with swirling colors, he gained some of the knowledge about the restaurant and its nature, minus the whole story Tazmon learned. He also gained the ability to enter the pocket dimension if he chose, for the thirty minutes the ability would last.

Still in the pocket dimension, Tazmon called upon his priest abilities and healed the injuries he had sustained earlier.

Jarrko set out to find and kill the owner, while Thundard believed attacking the ball pit might be the key. Jarrko came upon a reddish humanoid gyrating in place in the breakroom/stockroom and dispatched it quickly. He then went into the kitchen and found three seemingly normal workers and one featureless, rainbow-hued humanoid going about their burger-flipping and fry-cooking and paying him zero attention. He murdered the colorful creature but left the others, but not before he saw one worker flip a burger onto a counter where the burger instantly seeped into it and disappeared.

Thundard returned to the dining area to find it completely deserted. He attacked some ballpit balls but realized everything here was part of the same entity. Jarrko had already proceeded to the area marked "Authorized Personnel Only," hoping to confront Levrak in his office.

Tazmon, still in the Outer Realm, noticed that his arms and hands were taking on an oily, multi-colored appearance..

Thundard proceeded to poke his (now yellow) prehensile tail into the Outer Realm so Tazmon could grab it. After he did so, Tazmon, infected by the food, began to act strangely. For the next seventy-eight seconds, he would dance to the tune of Michael Jackson's Thriller* (I cued up the music video on YouTube) along with six other beings who rose up from the floor, including his three missing lackeys, now dressed as restaurant employees.

(*Rolled on the table, "Strange Things a Spawn of Muftwa'abugicus Would Do.")

Jarrko confronted Tazmon, who was now seated and in full Babycha'altonian garb, complete with helmet.

"Are you dissatisfied with our establishment?" Levrak asked mockingly. "I won't be giving you a refund."

"I don't want a refund," Jarrko answered back. "I'm putting you out of business permanently." (Or maybe he said, "I'm breaking up your party," or "Yippee Kai Yay, motherfucker." I can't read what I scribbled down for his second sentence.)

Levrak melted partially into the floor and came at him like a shark.

I let Hector use Divine Favor to attempt to snap Tazmon out of his dancing. He succeeded. Tazmon and Thundard went to the office while the spawnfolk continued to do the zombie dance.

All three PCs now confronted Levrak, who turned the floor into roiling, boiling lava. Thundard was able to jump and grab a lighting ballast with his prehensile tail as Jarrko used his rope and grappling hook to swing to safety. (I gave both of them advantage on the rolls due to roleplaying and quick thinking.) Tazmon tried to jump onto a desk but was burned by some lava. He made it to the desk, but realized that it was melting into the floor.

Tazmon shot an eldritch blast into Lezrak, leaving a large hole that started to grow smaller, T-1000 style. As this happened, the worker spawns screamed and gyrated outside the room, and the building shook as if an earthquake was rocking it.

Thundard did a trick shot with his sun bow to scatter lava and distract Levrak as Jarrko swung behind him on his Batman swingline (effectively jumping the shark, Fonzie style, as Mark pointed out) and succeeded in ripping the mitre from his head. Levrak screamed and started melting further into the lava floor.

Tazmon used his eldritch blast on the helmet, creating many glowing cracks upon it's surface (it had 2 HP remaining at that point.) Although I had written it up as being impervious to most non-magical attacks, I figured it was weakened enough at that point. Jarrko proceeded to smash it apart, destroying it with rage boner/coolness factor gusto.

The entire resraurant began to dissolve, dissipating into the sands.

Thundard tried to grab some raw meat from the kitchen, but the meat, fixings and everything else were melting together into a runny, technicolor soup.

Outside the rapidly deteriorating building, only their airspeeder and a now ownerless female riding spider-lizard remained. Thundard claimed it and may even try to bang it. Time will tell.

The original pair were given the remainder of their fee (2,500 talons) by Gorio Grigorio. Tazmon gave Jarrko 200 talons, not knowing Jarrko had his own arrangement. Jarrko was paid a hefty contract fee of 3,000 by ATM kiosk, transferred to a cred chip. He was also told he may have gotten more if he provided proof of the kill, which was now impossible.

Thundard returned to the Powdered Fruit and spoke to Ma’alenissa Sattori. He was unsure if he had spotted her missing lover Da'avco Lier at the restaurant and simply told her the place had a fire and was closed. He told her the stim pills she gave him had worked great. He inquired about the possibility of Tazmon performing there again. She said that would be great and would sure beat the Bananaman beat poet any day.

THOUGHTS:

I think everyone had fun with it and played their characters well. Jon was playing this for the first time and began by asking what the F is this Cha'alt thing. But he picked it up quickly. A lot of divine favor and metacurrency was used, except for the Guilded Die. We saw an X Card used, which Mark loves. Zero Sleaze Factor 5 bonuses were earned, but it will happen eventually.

FUNNY THINGS SAID:

• "Wait, why is your character in the women's restroom?"

• "That would be a shitty way to die." (If you were killed by a toilet)

• "Death to the urinal!!" - Thundard

• "Go to the bathroom! You probably need to take a shit!" (Tazmon, to Midi) - Hector

• "Why are the Federation in a restaurant?"

"The donut shop was probably closed."

- Hector, Mark

• "You prayed for guidance, but got a guy dance." - Mark

• "You weren't privy to that info."

• "Do the Malachi Crunch!" - Mark

https://youtu.be/1YNckadVLf0?si=GtKngaF9KktyKMH_

• "He jumped the shark!" (A callback to the Happy Days theme of the Pop Culture X Card) - Mark

https://youtu.be/Cs9M1m-dpgM?si=0uTKL1ln5omklXT9

• "I should have had sex with the lizard, just to get the +5 bonus." - Mark

• "What kind of a name for a game is 'Cha'alt?' It's a cool game but.. 'Cha'alt??' - Jon

NEXT TIME:

Will Tazmon grow his cult of Izzard beyond the Three Muffineers? Will they strike out on their own, to form the band, "Men Without Muffin Hats?" Will one of them launch a solo career as The Artist Currently Known as Midi "Peanut" Klorian Von Clapton and appear on C(ha'alt)TV Unplugged?

🎶"Wouldja know my nay-ay-ame.. if we met in Gehenna.."

We might play this again next Thursday, in which case I'll try to do something that can be resolved in one session. Some quick bullet points, maybe grab some monster and mook stats to keep handy and improv the F out of it. Where will the road lead? To Cha'alt, muthafukkas.

Goodbye grey skies, it's fuchsia for you

Nothing can beat me, my hit points renew

Feels so right, can't be wrong

Jarrko jumped the shark, and that ain't wrong